the clog

Morbid thoughts in the night...

Have you ever just stayed up late into the night because there was nothing better to do? That's what I did on Saturday night. I suppose I could have just gone to sleep, but sleep was not forthcoming and I was in no mood to try to force myself into slumber. So I began thinking. In some ways, thinking at midnight is the best time to air out the more philosophical thoughts that usually do not surface. It must be something to do with the lack of the daytime sounds. That coupled with an uncomfortable wakefulness gave rise to thoughts that I would usually not entertain. Of the thoughts that came to me on that night there was one pervading thought that stuck to my head. It was about immortality.

At first I was thinking about how I felt so old on the inside. Old and tired. I'm the sort of person who wishes that time would stop just so that I could continue living the way I am now. So I guess that makes me old, tired AND shallow. Anyway, that thought gave rise to the realization that the only way for me to remain the way that I am now is to die. At this very moment. My body may decompose but those that remember me shall forever see me as I am now. Not older, not younger. I suppose that this thought came about mostly because I was thinking about the fasting month that is coming up. The fasting month in turn keeps reminding me about my cousin that died two years ago on a past fasting month. She was only 4 months old. And I shall never remember her as any older or younger.

She died in a car accident. My uncle was driving too fast at an ungodly hour with too little sleep. But he is not at fault (though he still blames himself for the accident). The funny thing is that for a person who wants time to stop I couldn't help but picture my cousin when she would be all grown up. I'm sure she would have been a stunning beauty. She was that sort of baby. So for those of you who would wish for immortality, wish not. It is hard for the people who are left behind. And try to sleep at more reasonable hours.

Rumoku out...